So…
Let me tell you all about a phenomenon that I’m sure you’ve heard of that has quickly taken over my life (much to the chagrin of my fiance).
It is the amazing invention that is Rock Band, from Harmonix.
I’m sure you’ve heard of this game, or this game style if nothing else, but I’ll tell ya a bit aboot it anyways.
This game gives you the ability to feel like a rock star. Well a loser, sitting in your boxer briefs and undershirt in your bedroom smacking on some plastic/rubber pads as you envision the crowd going wild…
What? Don’t tell me you don’t yearn for that feeling!
The Game Itself
The controllers given with the game are a plastic guitar, a plastic set of drumpads on a stand and a microphone.
The microphone is the simplest controller as it’s basically karaoke. The game recognizes the pitch of your voice so you actually don’t need to know the lyrics at all. Just stay on pitch and you’re golden.
The guitar, and I use that term loosely as this is a guitar-shaped toy, is simply plastic molded in the shape of a guitar with a few buttons on the fretboard and a strumming piece that you flick as if you’re playing a string.
The drums would be the controller which would closely resemble its actual instrumental counterpart.
It’s a set of 4 pads on a stand with a bass pedal.
This game is addicting as all hell…
You sit down and are met with a set list of songs which range from irritatingly overplayed to the most classic jam that you can’t help but bob your head to when it comes on your iPod.
As you play through the songs, you can’t help but feel a ridiculous sense of accomplishment as if you can grab a guitar or a set of drums and actually hammer this jam out flawlessly.
Not to mention that if and when you get a score worthy enough for 5-stars you instinctively look around the room for acclamations and praise from…..you guessed it, nobody, because the environment quickly backhands you, reminding you that you are indeed sitting there in your underwear.
Fans vs. Haters
Now…
You’re probably thinking to yourself one of two things: What a ridiculously stupid and immature, not to mention gay as all hell, videogame OR Oh my fucking lord, where can I get my hands on this game?!
Let us discuss the former type of person first.
The “Hater” is the person who is either too pretentious and assholish to try the game and realize its never ending, immature entertainment, or is the person who started out being the idiot who wouldn’t try it only to sit down when no one was looking and find that they couldn’t even finish a single song on easy and immediately said something to the tune of, “THIS GAME SUCKS!” as they, oh so gayly, threw down the controller and pouted off.
Or there is the diamond in the rough who can still appreciate the hilarity and awesomeness that is this type of game even though they themselves might not have been able to master it.
This brings us to…
The Fans. This can range from the ‘weekend warrior’ to the kid with no friends who can play every song on the game without even looking at the screen.
Do me a favor if you’re the latter, put down the got-damn fake guitar and go say hi to a girl. PLEASE.
Now, if you’re like myself, somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, you’ve come to appreciate the beauty.
Play on my friends…play on indeed.
Now, the inevitable question of the past year or so has always been:
“Why not just put down the fake instrument controllers and pick up a real instrument…?”
Let me preface this by saying that I’ve spent the past 10 years or so playing guitar and the past 3-4 dabbling at the drums.
The answer is simple.
When I sit down and pick up my acoustic guitar, or sit down behind a set of drums…
IT IS NOT A GAME!!!
I am not being scored.
I am not attempting to complete a certain task that would then lead to more difficult challenges.
It is that simple.
Do I enjoy playing guitar? Yes.
Do I enjoy sitting at a set of drums and playing? Yes.
Do I enjoy playing video games? Yes.
As the genius Joey Tribiani says when asked what he would choose if faced with the choice between the hot girl at the copy place or a big tub o’ jam…
“Put those hands together!”
The combination of a video game and musical instruments was an inevitability.
And they’ve done it so well.
I cannot wait for them to release further iterations and expansion packs.
Because you know what? I’ll be there with fucking BELLS ON!
GIRLS -
AC Slater immediately scores insane points for being one of the only two young bucks to be able to steal Kelly’s glance away from that blonde beauty Zack. The other being that sleezy, slimey, smiley Jeff, the manager of the Max that we all loved to hate. He was the only one man enough to stand up against Zack Morris in the fight for Kelly’s effections, and a possible hand-holding session!
Countless times in the earlier years we saw her sitting with Slater as Zack opened the door to the Max with his sidekick Screech. Although he never got the title of “going steady” with the Prom Queen, he still had the balls of steel to throw himself in the running.
Then we move onto the proverbial ‘taming of the shrew’ who we all know as the President of the Student Body, valedictorian runner-up and eco-friendly irritation, Jessica Spano.
Although she wasn’t Stansbury material, you had to admit she was a man-eater in those tight stone washed jeans of hers.
Give her a buddy band and she can shake her money-maker all the way to the bank!
Slater was able to bust through her feminism-ridden exterior to become her “Curly Conan”.
Onto Mr. Morris…
Zack had 86 girlfriends in high school, if you remember his graduation speech. You know, the one he gave when Jesse was fraudulently awarded the honor of valedictorian, then relinquishing the title to the true winner, Screech Powers, who passed the speech giving onto Zack because “he’s better with words than [Screech] is”.
In his gut-wrenching and tear inducing speech, he states that the thing he realized he’d be leaving and missing the most from high school, were his friends. “Not girlfriends, though [he'd] miss all…hmmm…86 of [them]…”
Not only did he have 86 girlfriends in his tenure at Bayside High School, but at one time or another, he was able to french kiss each of the leading ladies (including the one leading lady Slater was able to land, the future Vegas showgirl, Jesse Spano).
This list is topped by Kelly Kapowski, the reigning head cheerleader, prom queen and homecoming queen (despite a maroon face no less!).
The list goes on with hotties like Tori Scott, Lisa Turtle and lest we forget the cold-hearted, yet sexy as all hell, Stacey Korosi…SCHWING!
The last mentioned goes to show just how much mojo he’s packin’.
That he was able to break through that eastern snob exterior and turn her into putty in his hands, willing to write to him everyday as he went back to scamming on hotties in his senior year at Bayside, tells you that he steals this category from “Absolutely Charmed” Slater, hands down!
This category goes to Zack Morris. I mean come on…even Slater gave Zack his heart. Granted it took the coercing of the Bo Revere tape, BUT STILL!
PHYSIQUE -
Zack Morris is an adonis.
What more can you say. I put this to every man who has ever been a Saved by the Bell fan. Who of us did not want the Zack Morris bowl-cut?
I rest my case.
Now he’s never been the wrestling capitan, star footbal player, etc. that Slater was, but don’t tell me your lightsaber didn’t ignite the first time you saw him in some swimming trunks and no shirt at the Malibu Sands beach resort!
And now we come to “Abnormally Cruel” Slater…
Game, Set, Match on the physique category.
He had the guns from day one.
In his unbuttoned button down shirts with the stonewashed, double stacked belt-loop, pleated jeans.
All he had to do was throw on that wrestling leotard against Niedik and this physique competition was all but over!
But no, he had to humiliate the opposition even more while tearing off his one piece getup to reveal a black ballet leotard as he danced into our wet-dreams to win Jesse Spano’s heart back while tearing up those Oakland Raider tickets.
This category undoubtedly goes to a Mr. AC Slater.
TALENT -
Now this category was a tough one…
Let us begin with Zack Morris.
Not only is he the front-man, lead-vocalist and lead-guitarist of the aptly named band, The Zack Attack, but he’s also an accomplished track & field hero, lest we forget his alias, “Running Zack”, a basketball star as they lost the championship game while the real talent was getting hacked by Dr. Turtle, an accomplished radio DJ for KTTY Bayside under the alter-ego “Wolfman Zack”, and his M.O. as a con-man extraodinare.
Yes…a man of many parts.
Though his competition is fierce by way of the backbone of The Zack Attack, the one who keeps the beats on the drums, Mr. AC Slater.
The captain of the football team, the wrestling team and also one hell of a threat on the dance floor…
This guy’s got it all!
Not to mention that apparently at the not-yet-ripe age of a high schooler he has the skill and ability to build an entire Mazda Miata from scratch in under a couple days…
That mechanics superpower has gotten them out of a jam more than once!
However…nowhere in the history of the Saved By the Bell saga do I ever remember Slater being able to control time and space simply by stating “Time Out!”, so I’m going to have to give this category to Mr. Morris.
And so the final tally…
Zack Morris FTW. Sorry Slater.
